You said it sister!
I’m taking some different yoga classes while I am in San Diego, mostly because I don’t want to battle traffic on the way to/from class. Which brings me to the realization that I battle traffic in my own mind daily, and that car traffic is just a reflection of that. Though I have definitely had days when my practice has started in the car, this is supposed to be vacation and I am pretty fierce about guarding my serenity. So I’ve gone down the street to a studio that offers all kinds of hot yoga, including a one-hour hatha/vinyasa class.
It’s different. I like it. The routine includes some of the poses I know from my Bikram practice, it also varies according to the instructor and the poses are usually held only once. There’s music, no savasanas between poses, and a lot of new phrasing. I found it to be very active and engaging, but not too fast. And of course, I’m not that accomplished.
So. Once again in the struggle, I’m finding the practice is breaking up a lot of spiritual, emotional, and mental calcification. There is a lot of fear coming up, lots of awareness of attachments.
Lots of warrior variations, which I am triggered by. It’s a class where I am definitely riding the waves of tears, which hasn’t happened in a while.
I am also recovering from an injury, and have had the opportunity to watch how impatient I am in the healing process. I pulled my low back/periformis which pinched my SI joint and I’ve had some numbness in my foot and toes as a result. I am so attached to that numbness going away yesterday.
Everytime I notice the numbness my ego screams for even more attention, demanding I fix. it. NOW. Or else I am going to die of a humongous tumor growing on my spine….etc. etc.
We’ve been asked at the beginning of the class to form an intention for our practice. Surrender and acceptance have come up, in an inarticulate wave of panic shooting straight out my heart. The instructor talked about knowing our path, and then entering into times “when there is no path”. Huh.
Being on vacation definitely takes away the familiar, worn routines that while sometimes stifling, definitely support the illusion of control. We spiritual seekers talk a lot about “living in the moment” and “taking it a day at a time”, but then when we really face giving up the props that keep us comfortable, the great void yawns and we see how attached to results we really are.
So for today I ask the Universe to help me divest. Help my mind and heart remain flexible. Help me continue to release hidden fears. In that way I am more open to the people who I love and to whom I might be of service.
Into that space, I offer myself.